Losing Well Part 8

Continuation of my series, Losing Well. Part 1 can be found here. 


May, 2000
I decided that I just didn’t need to define myself as I always have or by value systems that I no longer hold. I don’t need to be dating to feel complete. I have all I need within myself. I am a whole person.


July, 2000
Division of the Blind just called to verify I’d gotten the job set up on my “employment plan.” When I went to them I was employed and I still am employed.


August, 2000
Vancouver Trip. Did Stanley Park, the shops in North Van. I hiked down a dam to a salmon spawning, crossed a suspension bridge over a waterfall. What a great city.


8 September 2000
Been a year since I drove a car. Wow. It still frustrates me that I’m stuck so much of the time. I asked the city about special transportation but they told me I had a job so I wouldn’t qualify. That made no sense to me. 


29 September  2000
We went over to a bar and played some pool. We lost, but afterwards, I pulled out my cane. The look on their faces was priceless. I can be so mean.


5 October 2000
Today I found out that I’m divorced. Let the fun begin


6 October 2000
For about the third of fourth time that night some drunk guy asked me why I was faking being blind. I ended up actually explaining it to him and this girl. I got her number but I can’t remember anything about her.


7 October 2000
My friends had an invite to a someone's birthday party - someone I'd never met before. There were a lot of people at the party in a small house. I met this girl. She’s a scientist. We talked most of the night. I got her number.


8 October 2000
I was at a bar and I ran into this guy who loved my cane. “Hey, I gotta have one of those stick things.” What an idiot. Sure no problem guy, let me give you RP then see how much you gotta have one.


9 October 2000
Before I knew about RP I had all the mobility that I needed. Yet I was trapped. Now, I'm free and I no longer have mobility. I traded one form of slavery for another. But my slavery now is one of convenience. Life is not defined by your physical attributes unless you let it be.


12 October 2000
Went out with the scientist, Kate. She has some strange/exotic/cool tastes in music. I like that.


16 October 2000
Wild ride, the movie, Dancing in the Dark. It's a kick in the ass. In it, Bjork plays a mother who willingly allows herself to be hung to death in order for her son to be able to pay for an operation to keep his eyesight. I got physically sick when I realized what it was about. Talk about a slap in the face.

The movie is clearly intended to be anti-capital punishment. Their means are just very upsetting. Came back home and Mom called me with news about some miracle drug that will help my eyesight. It was not what I needed. Why can’t people accept blindness? What's the big deal? If my eyesight is understood to be worth someone else's life, what does that say about me who will lose it? Is my life not valuable without eyesight? I think it is. 


18 October 2000
Kate called. We had a good conversation. I really like her. Even if nothing would ever work out between us, I hope we can become friends. She wants to hangout next week sometime.


27 October 2000   
Was out with friends downtown. I was walking down the sidewalk when this woman and her friends jumped out of a limo dressed in rave gear. I got out of their way on the sidewalk. The woman held out her hand and said, “you’re not blind.” I couldn’t see her hand and she slapped me across the face.I was too shocked to do much. My friends yelled at her. I was like, what just happened?


9 October 2000
Turned down a job. It paid more but I had no reliable way to get there. Damn RP.


11 October 2000
Kate came and got me around dinner time. Went out on the dance floor.  With RP it’s like dancing in the dark by myself. Less fear that way.


17 October 2000
Another department at the bank is offering me more money for less responsibility. How often does that combination happen? My boss is really pushing for me to stay. What do I do? She took a risk on me two and a half years ago. Should I take a risk with her now? I like the stability of the new job and the money but is it good for my career? With RP, should my ego play an y part? My gut is to stay with my boss.


20 October 2000
Made the decision that I’m going to stick with the job. Sigh. Bye bye money. Did I do right? Will I ever know?


22 October 2000
I’m in a rut. I depend too much on going out to have fun. I‘m not dealing with things in the “right” way. It’s just hard for me now. Everything is in flux all the time


27 October 2000
I got to work and my boss called me into her office. She told me that I got nice race. Much more then what I turned down last week!


17 November 2000
The girls love to steal my cane when I’m on the dance floor. Which I don’t really mind. It's fun trying to get it back. It’s the guys I don’t like. The ones who try to run me over with their cars to see if I’ll jump out of the way. Or when they honk their horns and yell out. “you faker.” They're right. I am a faker. I'm just not sure what I’m faking anymore.


9 December 2000
Kate came over. We drank coffee then went over and walked around. I bought her a pair of sunglasses for her birthday. Made her happy. She dropped me off about 4:30 because she had to go to dinner with her parents for her birthday. About an hour after she left, she called me to see if I wanted to go out that night. I was like, sure.


16 December 2000
Cleaned up a bit. Big date planned with Kate. When she got here I just sensed that things had changed between us. I grabbed her hand on the walk to the show and she didn’t let go. Really enjoyed the play. On the way back we kissed in the rain in the graveyard beside my condo. I popped the umbrella over our head just as our lips met. I crack myself up sometimes. So Kate is now my girlfriend. I was all prepared to wine and dine her into submission but she came with her own plans.


December 2015
2000 was my first full year with RP. In the spring of that year I traveled to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore to get a definitive diagnosis.  They told me that I probably had ten years of “useable” vision left. That started a clock for me. I felt motivated to see as much of the world as possible in my time left. I threw myself into going out, travel and trying to experience the world as much as possible.

I used RP as a catalyst to reshape myself. I decided I was going to be successful because it was hard. Because the sighted world saw me as incapable. I wanted to beat them at their own game. My reinvention led to getting a new circle of friends, a girlfriend and buying he first piece of real estate I’d ever owned.

RP also exposed to frustrating limitations. I wasn’t able to take a fantastic new job because I couldn’t get transportation. I was also learning how to use the cane in public. The results were mixed. My cane and limited vision confused everyone. Sometimes even myself. If I pretended to be sighted I’d end up acting strange when I couldn’t see. When I used my cane, I got a lot of unwanted attention or people were confused when I still showed some visual ability. It’s a dilemma with no good choices.   


Part 9 can be found here.